Sterling in his swing

Here is a short video of Sterling, enjoying his swing and mobile that hangs above it.
I am going to try video recording him in the morning, as this is his most social time of the day...plus he smiles a lot in the mornings! He is such a sweetheart. Its been pretty quiet this week. Ara and Tolkien don't come home until tomorrow afternoon, and Emma will not be home until Sunday. We haven't really done much this week. A lot of playing with Sterling.

We did try the "sedative" medication on the dogs yesterday. They were pretty drugged up. I should have taken a picture of Reci, she had "Chinese" eyes, as Jeremy said. She was so squinty and stumbled all over the house. Jooj was pretty much normal, I think we are going to have to give him a little more of the sedative. Anyhow, when we travel via plane, they will need to be sedated.

Alright, enjoy the video of Mr. Grey :)

Mamaroo...and other updates

We just purchased, online, the "Mamaroo" baby "swing"
I actually stumbled upon this, when I was visiting "GunclesOnline"
http://www.gunclesonline.com/index.html">>http://www.gunclesonline.com/index.html

We decided to go with this swing/bouncer because Sterling has reflux. He has to sleep on his side or stomach to prevent massive spitting up and crying. He also loves to have one of us bouncing him around in our arms, something this swing can simulate. The swing can also simulate a car ride, something else Sterling LOVES! We will let you know what we think of it, once it gets here...but if you are interested, here is a youtube video of the Mamaroo. If you love the Guncles too, the web link is above too.






Also, I am going to update on Sterling's latest appointment with Dr. Starr, and his renal ultrasound. He had another renal ultrasound last Thursday, and then saw Dr. Starr immediately afterward. Dr. Starr told me that Sterlings Mag 3 ultrasound was incorrect. Apparently the Radiologist recorded some of the information wrong, which ended up making his kidney function look a lot worse, than it actually is. She is going to have the Radiologist correct this information. So, it turns out, based on his latest renal ultrasound, the dilation of his kidney is actually getting better. This is such great news! He has to go back in a month, to get another renal ultrasound, just to make sure things are in fact looking better. We will find out, and keep everyone updated.

Sterling Grey.....

Just wanted to update on my Sterling Grey. This is something I should have done a few weeks ago...he is now 2 months old, officially 9 weeks old...
It feels like I just had him a few weeks ago, well with everything going on, time has just flown by.

Sterling is moving beyond his days of just laying around, and sleeping a ton. He smiles a ton, loves to coo and likes tummy time where he can practice rolling from his stomach to his back. He is eating more formula these days, and I still offer him the breast. Most feedings he will nurse for about 10 minutes, then fuss, and I give him a bottle, where he then drinks about 3 to 4 ounces depending on how hungry he is. I have done a bit of research on ways to increase my milk supply. There are teas that can help, and also an herb called "fenugreek" my lactation consultant out at the base swears it increases milk. I am really thinking about giving it a try, because Sterling does enjoy nursing, I am just not making enough milk, no matter how much I nurse.

Sterling loves being talked to and loves to hear me sing to him. He likes to be carried around in the moby wrap (which is a lifesaver in freeing my hands!) He is sleeping 4 to 5 hours at night, wakes to eat, then sleeps another 2 hours, wakes to eat, then sleeps another 2-3 hours, then is ready to wake up for the morning around 6:30am to 7:15am. Luckily when he does wake at night, he doesn't try staying awake to "play" In the morning, he will coo and smile at me, its as if he is saying "good morning I want to play now." I always greet him with a big smile and lots of kisses. He is very sweet. He loves his daddy, and enjoys Jeremy's voice. Jeremy talks to Sterling about EVERYTHING!! Sterling also likes being held by his siblings. Ara, Tolkien and Emma love talking and playing with him, he is very special to us all. Sterling also likes looking at pictures in his books and likes watching his mobile above his floor mat. I started reading to Sterling a couple weeks ago, and he seems to enjoy it. He really loves to stare at the pictures, and smiles when I make the different animal noises, in one of his books...

Last week I brought him to work and he was such a charming boy. He was a big flirt, with one girl I work with in particular. He could not take his eyes off her and he was all smiles and coos....he didn't give anyone else that much attention!

This week, we have an appointment at the base, for his 2 month check up/shots. He also has another renal ultrasound this week, and meets with Dr. Starr again the same day, to go over his ultrasound.

Christmas is near and we are all looking forward to spending it together. We still do not know what the next year will look like, but we are treating this xmas as our last together, for a few years.

Jeremy's mother came up for a visit. It was very, very nice having her up. We all enjoyed visiting with her. She taught me how to knit (something I have always wanted to learn) and we enjoyed time relaxing, watching movies, eating brownies and going out to dinner. I wish we lived closer to her. She is a wonderful mother-in-law, and I truly enjoy spending time with her. We love her very much and were so happy she was able to make the trip over, to see us.

I have Emma this week, I am not sure what we will do this week, but I'd really like to take Emma and Sterling to see Santa. I hope it works out. If it does, I will post a picture of the two with Mr. Claus.

Ara and Tolkien come home Wednesday, I already miss them. I love having them home, we have so much fun talking music and bands/songs we love. I am so happy they have such a huge love of music. Tolkien and Ara both play guitar (very well I might add) and Ara plays bass as well. Tolkien is in percussion, in school, so he is learning drums. I wish I could have been so motivated and talented at that age. I am very proud of them.

Well, I am going to end this now. Sterling is asleep, so I think I will head off to bed to....sleep is so valuable to me...All I want for Christmas, is sleep :)

Updates....

Nothing really new going on, but I figured I would update regardless. I have a little time, while my little guy is napping.

Lets see, where to begin....
Jeremy has been working like crazy, and on top of it, going to school. He is almost done, and is only taking two classes. Once he finishes these two classes, he will have his degree completed. Yea Jeremy!

We have Ara and Tolkien now on the weekends, which is really nice. I love being able to spend time with them, without having to rush them off to school. Last weekend we were pretty lazy and played the Xbox Kinect. It was fun and quite the workout. We did get the standard game that comes with it, but we also got a fitness one. I was so sore, my legs...were jelly! Ara and I made cookies and frosted them.

Emma and I had our dentist and medical appointments, for clearance to move overseas. Sterling had his the other day, and the MD told us to go ahead and have him see a pediatric cardiologist. He was born with a murmur, and they just want to make sure that it is in fact an innocent murmur. So we will get that scheduled. I am annoyed that the pediatric urologist called to reschedule Sterlings appointment. Apparently she will not be in the office on the 29th, so we will wait, yea only two days, but its just taken soooo long to get in to see this MD. Everyone raves about how awesome this pediatric urologist is...well I found out she is the ONLY pediatric urologist in Spokane..I am not sure who she is being compared to, but I have heard other doctors say, "She really needs to get a partner." I agree! :)

Sterling has the Mag 3 Renal scan on the 29th of November. This will help determine the degree of his UPJ. I am hoping it is mild, and that he will not surgery. We will see, more waiting. We are almost at the end of November..which brings us closer to January.....

Well, look at this....Sterling is waking up...gotta wrap this up! Take care of my little man.

Halloween

Last Sunday Emma begged me to take her to the "Monster Store" really known as the Spirit Superstore. She has always loved Halloween, but the last couple years, she gets scared, specifically of dead babies and some of the animatronic stuff that is sold at Spirit. We drove to the store, pulled up, parked, and got out of the car. Emma said, "I really want to go in there. I love Halloween, but I don't want to see the dead babies, or that zombie that crawls across the floor." I told her that she could use me as a shield, and if she got scared, she could close her eyes, and I would guide her to something less scary. She agreed. We got inside and immediately saw this.....



Emma froze and said, "No, No, No, I am not going in there!" She began to cry, not so much because she was scared, but because she really wanted to go in, but she was paralyzed with fear. She was sobbing saying, "I don't want to leave, I want to go in there and face my fears, but I can't go in there." I told her that I wasn't going to force her in there, and suggested we go to Fred Meyer and look at the Halloween stuff there. She finally agreed, and we left. On the way up to the store, she said, "How come when I was little that stuff didn't scare me." I told her its because she really didn't fully understand it all yet, and so she didn't have fears like that. I told her about all the millions of times she used to go in the Monster Store, and we'd put masks on, and she never got scared. She literally used to make me bring her in there every single day of October. Since she was 4 years old, she has always made a point to be something scary for Halloween. She has been a zombie cheerleader two years in a row, a zombie princess and zombie bride. This year she wants to be a vampire. I told her about my friend Melissa's daughter, and how she loves scary stuff. Emma asked how old she was, and I told her she is 2. Emma was a little mad that a 2 year old wasn't scared, and she being 7 was. I assured her that she too used to be the very same way. She just can't really remember those days. That made her feel better.

Out of all 3 of my children, Emma definitely loves Halloween the most. She knows how much I love it. I love the fact that my B-day is in October, I love the fall, I love Halloween. We will be making/painting coffins this year (Small ones, miniature really)I will be decorating tomorrow. Jeremy and I are going to Spirit tomorrow, since he isn't scared to go:) I told him that all I want for my B-day is a gift card to Shopko, so I can get more Halloween decorations. I love the old black and white horror movies. I found a calendar 2010, that has all the old horror movie posters on it. I love it! I found some coffee cups that have the same old horror movie posters on them...I told Emma, "You tell Jeremy this is what he can get me for my B-day."

I am thrilled that my OB told me if I don't deliver baby by the 39th week she will induce...that means he could easily be here at the end of October, which is really cool to me! He can dress up this year!

Anyhow, Emma still wants to try making it in Spirit this year, so we will just keep trying....

I woke up Saturday morning, and felt like maybe I had a bladder infection. It was so slight, the symptoms, that I excused my feelings for normal pregnancy symptoms. Since my symptoms didn't really get worse, I ignored them. Well, today at work, I just felt off, my symptoms seemed to increase and the baby gave me a jab to the bladder. That sent me over the edge. I doubled over in pain, and wanted to cry. I called my OB and asked if I could just swing by and leave a urine sample. They said, "No, you need to see the doctor." So I went in, left a urine sample, and viola, in a few moments...I was diagnosed with a UTI. So start the antibiotics, the OB told me, and keep drinking lots of fluids. I have another OB appt next week, so we will check things out then. I was hoping I'd go without getting a UTI. I get them so frequently just normally, but this one was a bit different. I guess because I always feel like I have pressure on my bladder, from the baby. He is doing well, and his heart rate checked out fine, and a good sign is, he is still crazy active as can be.

My baby shower is this Saturday. I am looking forward to it. Its been quite the ordeal trying to plan. I still have not told my mother about it. I am sure at some point she will find out about it. I have a hard time getting over things, and can tend to hold a grudge for a while. Its something I wish I didn't do, so often. The background of the story goes as so....Originally I was not going to have a shower. I didn't really care if we had one or not. My best friend lives in Seattle, I didn't want her to try planning something, from afar. She did offer to throw one, but I remember how very busy I was, when I had two small children. It was not something I wanted her to deal with. I would have much rather had her enjoy being a guest. This is my husband's first child, and although he won't be at the shower, he really wanted me to have one. He wants all the 1st experiences. I can understand that, and how can I take that from him, just because I already have kids of my own? He and I came up with this great idea. I told him that my mother was always saying, "If you need my help with anything, let me know." I thought this would be perfect, she could help me put together a shower. I was so excited to talk with her about it, that I called her right away. I had all these ideas in my head, and I couldn't wait to share them with her. We talked, and I just simply asked her, "Would you want to help me put together a baby shower, and host it?" I even told her that my husband and I would take care of the expenses. She said, "You want me to throw you a shower??" This was not said in excitement, but rather with a tone like, why in the world would I do that for you? She said, "Isn't someone else supposed to do that for you?" "I wouldn't even know who you'd invite." She sounded very put out, and annoyed that I would even ask for her help. I immediately began to cry quietly. I was hurt, and taken by surprise. After listening to her give me many reasons why she didn't feel like she was the appropriate person to throw a shower I finally said, "Its okay, please forget it, we won't do this." "OH stop it!" she snapped at me. She could tell I was hurt, and tried to change her tone with me. She said, "Oh you could make that dip you like, and I will come by this weekend and we will send out invites." I agreed, then bawled to my husband. After speaking with him, mind you he was very angry. He said, "I will throw you a shower." I told him thank you, but that it was okay. He then said, "Let's see if Cheryl will help us out." I called my mother and told her that I had decided not to have a shower. She didn't fight me on it, and I didn't think she would.

So, I still haven't gotten past this hurt feeling. I just hope that I never hurt my children like that. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but its just one of several things she has done, in my life, that make me feel this way. I just can't handle it any longer, and don't know what to do about it. I have tried time and time again to talk with her, and it always ends up with me being overly sensitive. Perhaps I am, but I guess I always wished my mother would be a little more sensitive herself.

So, now as it stands I have planned this shower myself, and have some help with two good friends. I will hope to post some pictures of the event. I am really looking forward to hanging out with my friends and two daughters. I am really going to miss them all, when we move away. I am trying to enjoy these celebrations we have, and the time we will spend together.

My B-day is coming up, and I'd like to plan a dinner, have friends over, and celebrate. I just have to think of the day to do so :)

I hope my son is born a Libra...he is due a "Scorpio"....Random, yes I know....but I have my own reasons for wanting a Libra....

I have been sick...still. This is getting really old :(
I stayed home yesterday, and had to leave work early. I came home, went to sleep, woke up and tried to get some things done...it didn't work out so well. I kept breaking out in hot flashes, and felt like puking...my head was POUNDING, also. As any pregnant woman knows, its hard to know if you are in fact sick, or if its the pregnancy....In this case, I feel pretty confident, that I am once again fighting something off. I will be taking Benadryl tonight, once again.

I am supposed to go out to the base tomorrow, to get some more stuff for the baby. I am also going to meet Karla tomorrow for lunch. That will be nice, I miss her a lot.

33 weeks down...7ish more to go....
Its gonna go by fast....isn't it...I am not ready.....

Next weekend is the baby shower. I ordered the cutest "Thank you" favors for the party...I hope my friends like them as much as I do...I am excited to see everyone, and eat some yummy food!

32 Weeks

Only 8 more weeks left, but somehow I keep thinking I will deliver early. Maybe 1-2 weeks before my due date. Jeremy is hoping for an October 31st baby, but I just don't think he will stay in that long. I had a scare about 2 weeks ago. I came to work, and just didn't feel right. I was very, very crampy. I had menstrual like cramps and Braxton Hick's like you wouldn't believe. Fortunately I was already scheduled to have a OB appointment. I went to the OB, told them how I had been feeling and they gave me a fetal fibronectin test and ultrasound. They were able to determine that the chances of my going into preterm labor (before 35 weeks) was slim. Thankfully! I am NOT ready for him to be born yet. I have a million things to wrap up at work, and even more at home, well like 1/2 a million at home.

I worked 40 regular hours this week, plus got paid my 8 holiday for Monday, so basically I worked 4 10 hour shifts this week. I was so behind because I had taken 2 vacation days, the week before. I don't have anyone to cover my workload while I am out, so I was swamped! I worked 9:30 am to 8pm, yesterday and 6am to 6:45pm today. There were a few bumps this week, so it was hard just working 10 hour shifts, each day. Ara and Tolk had a death in the family, on their dad's side...and Emma was abandoned at school by her aunt, yesterday. I ended up picking her up after school today, bringing her back to work with me, then Jeremy grabbed her on his way up the hill. Thank goodness my job is so flexible! I honestly don't know how I would manage some days!

My laptop has been in the shop, and I just got it back. So I thought I'd quickly update this page. I am still fighting off a cold. I have a cough that won't go away, it sucks...but I hear that colds last a lot longer, when you are pregnant. I see the OB again this coming Monday, then the following week I have another anatomy ultrasound. Jeremy and I also tour the hospital on Sunday, and will fill out admission paperwork.....

I am going to end this now...Emma is here and she is begging to go to bed....
Update soon!

I don't wanna go down to the basement

Well, after getting some good old advice from Melissa, I harassed the hell out of my doctor (OB) office. I heard back from them on my glucose tolerance test....drum roll please....Everything came back normal. That is great news. I was beginning to worry, as I have been feeling pretty crummy, and primarily after I eat meals. So I did explain this to the nurse, she suggested I eat every 2 hours, and stay hydrated. I assured her that I am doing this, currently. She told me to keep a "food diary" and bring it to my next appointment. The baby is approaching week 29! We are getting so close, and I am getting so very nervous. I am trying to soak up the days of having some freedom. My other kids are older, and so they are pretty self sufficient. Thus I have some freedom.

My husband and I are going to be celebrating our 2 year wedding anniversary pretty soon. I am not sure what we are going to do, but whatever it is...we will enjoy it together. I feel bad for him, I have been pretty moody with this pregnancy...poor husband. Hopefully I return to myself, once I am without child in womb.

I am sitting at home alone right now, listening to my puppy Julian chew on a plastic bottle. This little guy loves me so much, and has been VERY attached, since I got pregnant. He is pretty protective of me these days.

I keep having dreams that it is Halloween, or close to it anyways. I've been waking up in a panic, thinking, "Wait, I am not ready for Halloween" Part of me hopes our baby is born before Halloween, so that we can dress him up.

I am getting ready for the kids to return from camp. I was down in their rooms a bit ago, ripping sheets off their beds. I'd like them to come home to fresh clean beds and pillows. I miss them so much! It will be so nice seeing them again. I can't wait to hear about camp, see all the pictures, and video too.

I went to Katie's house Saturday, it was nice seeing everyone. It would have been nice if Sarah and Nikki could have been there. I miss those friends a lot. I enjoy getting to see everyone. Things certainly are different. Its nice sharing motherhood experiences between each other too. I have wonderful friends, and I love them so much.

Okay, I better get something to eat. I am actually starting to get hungry....

Moving....

Now that we've shared this news with our immediate family, we can talk openly about it. Most of you that read this already know, we will be moving to the UK, Jan 2011. I haven't really had the chance to blog in a while, and obviously this move is at the front of my mind. Its a huge move, for us. We have a so many things to take care of, its very overwhelming.

The 1st question anyone asks is, "how do the kids feel about it." This question usually leads to me, just saying something generic like, "they are still trying to take it all in." Which is true, but its such a sensetive thing for me to talk about, with lets say..coworkers. Its one thing for me to open up to a good friend, or my husband about it. But really, at this point, the kids are still trying to decide what is going to be best for them. That is what it comes down to.I have had plenty of people tell me that they think I should take Emma with me, at least. I think its easy for someone that isn't in the situation, to say they think this or that...The reality is, the decision is up to me and her dad. Not only do we have to think about schooling for her, but the fact that if she came with me,(and Ara and Tolk stayed) she would NEVER see her brother or sister. So, we have to look at it as a whole, not just at her individually. Once they make a final decision about it, I will update you all, but for now, they just are not sure. Regardless of what they decide to do, they will still need passports, so we just will prepare, as if they are going with us.

Pets, we have 3. We are only allowed to bring 2 pets. Originally we were just going to take Julian, give Reci to Jeremy's mom, and Cheryl was going to take Kat. We found out that Jeremy's mother would not be able to take Reci, her landlord said, "NO" to another dog in their home. We began the quarantine process for Julian, as soon as we found out, we had to move. Any animal brought over to England, must be in quarantine for 6 months. Julian was chipped, given vaccinations and his rabies titer was tested. He is good, and will be ready to leave, when we have to. Reci, on the other hand, will not be ready in time. We are trying to figure out, if they can make any kind of exception, and let her go, or if she will need to wait to come with us. My good friend, Cheryl, is still going to take Kat. She has lived with Kat before, so she knows how she is. Plus Cheryl has 2 cats already. We know Kat will be well taken care of.

Cars, we can only take one with us. So, since Jeremy has a brand new car, we will take his. That means, my car will stay here, and either A. be Ara's car, if she decides to stay OR B. we put it in storage. Once we get to England, we will have to take a test (luckily just a written) to obtain our driver's licence. Our car will also need to have the headlights adjusted, so they meet regulations for driving in the UK.

Downsizing....we will need to downsize our belongings, before we leave. We have so much extra, there is just no way we can move it all with us. We will be looking through our stuff this coming weekend, and set aside things, for a garage sale. The houses over there are smaller, we've actually looked at a few...here is an example of a home











Anyway, you get the idea. We have to be careful with what we look at, as some of these homes do not come with things like, dryer vents, stoves, refridgerators...you know, things we will need.

So that is the basics of it...I tend to get pretty stressed out when I think about traveling over, with an infant. Our son will be pretty young still, plus we will have the dogs (Jeremy says the vet will give us something to sedate them) I worry about the huge time difference, and how that is going to mess with our sleep cycles. I also worry about traveling back and forth, with an infant, then toddler, then little kid...then factor in the sleep cycle issues again. Jeremy says I should not worry about these kinds of things right now, but he knows I am a worrier. I worry about the kids. Luckily they have fathers that are very involved and willing to do what they can to make this temporary transition as easy as possible. In the end, that is the only thing that makes me feel a bit better, knowing that this is not a permanent move, its temporary. I know that part of this experience, will be great for the kids. We will get to see so many things. I know they look forward to visiting many of the sites and other countries.

I will try to be better about updating this blog. I always say I am going to, then lots of time passes by and nada!

As for pregnancy...I am entering my 28th week. We are having a son, for anyone that didn't know. I felt great my 2nd trimester, and now I am back to the tired feeling, my back has been hurting me, acid reflux has been annoying, beyond all belief. I am taking Zantac, which seems to help with the flame feeling. I still get the puke that comes up my throat, but it doens't burn as much. I hate sleeping on my side. It feels like my ribs are overlapping each other. It doesn't hurt, its just uncomfortable. I have noticed swelling in my ankles, especially when I get home from work. My baby is very, very active. Every morning when I wake up, he is quiet, as soon as I get up to go pee, he starts moving. I imgaine him in there saying, "Is it time to wake up?!" He loves to hang out on my right side, near my ribs. He is getting so strong. I can see him moving now, and he sure likes to stretch a lot. He is rarely quiet....

Ara, Tolkien and Emma are out of town until the 17th, so its been very boring around here. I miss them a lot. Ara and Tolkien are at camp, and Emma is with her Auntie and Uncle, just visiting. I can't wait till they are back.

I better wrap this one up, I have that Glucose Tolerece Test today... :( I hope I pass!

Too Much To Remember

Its been so long since I have updated this blog, its getting to the point, where I am debating on whether or not, to continue this blog. I always think about stuff I want to write about, but then actually getting on here, to do it...is a whole nother storey. The biggest issue I have had, is that I haven't had real access to a computer, for a couple of weeks. Every time I would try and log into Blogger, to follow/read my friends blog site, I would get a frozen computer, or I'd get an error message. It was pretty annoying. I have a little bit of time before I have to go run major errands with my husband. I also have a deviant art account, and have sort of "blogged" on that, thus another reason why I am considering closing this...I could easily just have everything on deviant.

This weekend is Mother's Day, and we will be celebrating my daughter's 15th Birthday. I am not entirely sure what we will be doing, but whatever we do, I am sure it will be fun. I am also taking my mother to see Joyce Meyers. She is a female minister, and one of my mother's favorites. Its not really something I want to do/see, but I do know it means a lot to my mother, so we will be going this Friday.

This week is insanely busy...filled with football practices and games, driving Ara to and from her school for marching band practice (she has to get ready for the Lilac Parade), doctor's appointments for all the kids, Jeremy and I have to pay rent, put in our notice, go grocery shopping and go to Best Buy to get Ara her gift tonight, as well. Work has to fit in between all of this. Lately I have been so busy with work, and making MD appointments for Ara. I don't think I have even mentioned the fact that I am 14 weeks pregnant, and while my morning sickness is slowing down, my migraines are coming back, full force. They hurt so bad. Its hard finding relief from them. Yes, I am the type of pregnant woman that does not like taking medications...unless I absolutely have to. I have given up caffeine, well about a month before conceiving. My OB gave me a script for medication to take, for the migraines, but I am reluctant to take them. I asked for a referral for PT, instead...We shall see. And trust me, I have had a few people give me their opinion on what I should be doing, in this pregnancy. I have people say, "being in pain is way worse on the baby, then taking medications." The medication I was given has the possibility of becoming addictive, thus the baby could end up going through withdrawals, once its born. I don't know if I want to take that risk. You know?
All right, I am gonna wrap this up. My hubby will be home soon, and we will be off, to do the errands!

An Update

Hey, I thought I'd write some, before we get ready for bed. I'll update you on the Cymbalta. Friday will be week 3. I have to say, things are starting to get better. The cymbals don't crash as loud as they first did. The dizzy spells are slowing down, and I don't feel like punching everyone in the face, all the time. The only thing that hasn't let up is the body soreness. It is really intense at times. I just haven't quite figured out what aleviates the pain. Nothing helps the aches go away, unfortunately. We've been taking walks and what not, but I notice that all the body pain is really intensified, when I do anything active. It sucks. I am hoping that by next Friday I will be better than I am now. Its getting better, just slowly getting better.

Before I forget this thought...I have to express my feelings for my husband. After having to have many dealings with the kids dad over the past few days, I am so incredibly happy that I am married to Jeremy. He is so supportive of me, and the kids. He is also really good about making me feel good about myself. I've had to deal with my son's father a lot, due to his upcoming Bar Mitzvah, and I came so close to just slapping him. He just says some of the most hurtful things, without even really thinking about how other people are going to feel. There are times where my husband and I think, it would be so much easier if the kids dad wasn't involved....yes, we admit sometimes we think like that. Co-parenting the way we do is really hard work. Its hard to keep emotions in check, and think about how your decision is going to affect the "other" parents involved. Anyway, enough of that. Point being: My husband is an amazing man. I love him, and I am soooooo lucky that he is in this with me forever!

I wanted to blog about the concert we went to, but its that time...Time to get the kiddos ready for bed. Oh, I also wanted to blog about Emma's MD appt. She has GERD. We found out that it has come back, with a vengence on her...my poor girl. She is beginning medications and has to completely change her diet. Bland foods only. She tells me that she is going to die, since she won't be able to eat spaghetti sauces anymore....I will blog about that whole experience next time....

Day 7

Well, its now been 7 full days. The symptoms haven't gotten better yet...I woke up this morning feeling like I have the flu. I don't think I have the flu, I really think its the withdrawls. Those crashing symbols in my head, remind me of that.

I got to meet up with my friends last night for dinner. While I did have fun, it was hard to concentrate on everything that was going on. My head was so full of noise, we were in a noisy environment, and it was difficult. We did have some really good laughs. We were laughing so hard, there were tears. It was great.

But as I sit here, telling the story, I am blank. I feel unhappy, drained and sick.
I am debating on whether or not I should go into work for a few hours. Not because I "need" to, as my husband says, but more because I feel like that is the only place I have control over anything...

It would also be even nicer to get stuff done in the office, when no one is there. I get weary from having to put on a fake smile, voice, and overall attitude for my bosses. Its draining. Even when they call me on the phone, I have to plaster on a fake smile, so that it translates through on our phone conversation.

My male boss is always asking me if I am pregnant yet. He insists that I tell him before anyone else in the office. I finally told him yesterday, after being asked for the billionth time, "You will find out, when everybody else does." Somehow he thinks he is special enough to know before anyone else finds out. My husband and I already have enough pressure, we don't need dumb asses like my boss adding to that. (Yes, me just venting)

I've been reading a new book. Well for the last several weeks. Its a story that my oldest daughter has been writing. It is so mature for her. She even emailed me a disclaimer, before she allowed me to read it. She was worried that I would assume she was doing all the stuff she has been writing about in the story. I assured her that I did not think that at all. I was just extremley privlaged that she would allow me into that part of her world. She is an amazing writer...I love her so very much.

Well, I am going to close this one for now. I am going to take a shower, and see how I feel after that. I can already feel my throat getting tight, and my eyes welling up with tears....Mothers sacrafice a lot for their children....even for those babies that don't exist yet. I guess that is what this is right?

My life without Cymbalta....

I am beginnning to rethink this whole pregnancy idea. Why? Because Cymbalta sucks. After meeting with my doctor, and OBGYN, they both agreed that taking any amount of Cymbalta during pregancy was a huge risk, on a babys part. It is too risky.

The Plan: I was taking 60mg of Cymbalta daily,for almost a year. My doctor told me to take 30mg for 2 weeks, then at the end of the two weeks, stop completely. My last day of Cymbalta, was last Friday. I first couple days weren't too bad, but I am now on day 5, and it is nearly unbearable at times.

Cymbalta is an SNRI (SNRI (serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors)—A class of medications that affect the activity of serotonin and norepinephrine.)

I was given Cymbalta, after many attempts, and fails, with other antidepressents, the SSRI (SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor)—A class of antidepressants that affect the activity of serotonin.)

Nothing worked, nothing helped....on top of depression, I had severe migraines (4-5 a week) and physical pain (aches in my muscles) that I could not get rid of. I was at a loss, and my doctor's office didn't know what to do with me, so they referred my to someone who specializes in treating depression, and that could help manage medications. After seeing this other MD, and trying various other alternative treatments, I ended up with Cymbalta in my hands.

My husband and I want to have a child together. My goal, to get off the Cymbalta. However, it is proving to be much harder than I ever thought it would be. The withdrawl symptoms, as explained to my by my doctor, shouldn't be bad at all. Maybe the occasional headache, some nausea, but you'll get by. I now believe my doctor, has no real idea what the withdrawl symptoms are like at all. I have been doing a lot of my own research, and have found thousands of forums, with people going through this same living hell, as I am. I am having problems finding people that are trying to get pregnant, and coming off Cymbalta. There is also little to no information on women that have taken Cymbalta during pregnancy. I am guessing because it is so dangerous to take in pregnancy.

The withdrawl symptoms: Brain zaps, dizziness with sudden movements, slight movements, sometimes no movement at all, it just comes on. My emotions (all of them) are extremly heightened. My entire body hurts. Not to be gross, but I did start my period, and even using (or trying to use) tampons is painful. I have been having nightmares, waking up in cold sweats. I get hot flashes. My headaches are so intense. I can feel my brain beating inside my skull. The light makes the headaches worse. My teeth hurt. My hair hurts. Its like all my nerve ending are on high alert, and feel everything. Normally I have ringing in my ears, but of course, it is much louder. At times, if sounds as if I have cymbals crashing inside my head. I am really agitated. Working is hard...I feel sick, my throat hurts, I just hate this so much. My feelings are so on the surface, and I hate that. We had a meeting at work, and I had the worst panic attack ever. I felt like the entire room could hear my thoughts, and I just wanted to run out of there and go cry in the bathroom. Its hard to stay positive, when I feel so crappy. (And crappy is putting it mildly.)

I hear (read) that this whole process is long....
Long, is not reassuring.

In prepration for this "wean" I went to the supplement store and got some supplements to help ease the pain and mood. I can't imagine that it could possibly be much worse than it is.

The other hope that my doctors have is...."We think that once you get pregnant, your hormones will change, thus creating a more stable you, perhaps you will never need any antidepressent ever again."

I am gonna end this for now, but I will keep you updated. My hope, if nothing else, is that my post/journal entries, will help someone else in my situation.
I want you to know that (if you are in this situation) you are not alone, everything you are going through right now, in the withdrawl process is real. I hope the best for you all.....

A happy story....

I work at a rehabilitation hospital. I am the program secretary for our outpatient clinic. I used to have way more patient contact than I do now....which now is very very little. I miss it at times, and other times, I am perfectly fine just where I am at. Several months ago I was delivering some items, that one of our physical therapist had ordered, to the back therapy area. I noticed a young man, in a wheelchair, staring at me. I didn't think anything of it, as we get a lot of patients in wheelchairs, and most patients do look at me as I open my door and walk in their path way. I was making my way back to my desk and made a stop at the printer. There is a small window that looks into our waiting area, and you can see out the small window if you are at the printer...which I was at. I looked up, and there he was, that same young man staring at me, but this time he gave me a big smile. I smiled back and waved. His entire body started to move and his smile got even bigger. I guess you could say he was smiling with his whole body. I went back to my desk, and felt as equally happy, as he looked. He made my day, and I hope that I made his.
Later that same day, I found out why he was here. He was born with Cerebral Palsy, however that is not what brought him in this particular day. He was involved in a motor vehicle accident. It was a hit and run. He was a pedestrian, and someone hit him, and left him to die. When I learned of his accident, my heart just broke. I started crying uncontrollably. My heart went out to him, and his family. Prior to being an outpatient with us, he was in a coma. He had a TBI, broken bones, and was now bound to his wheelchair. Before his accident he was an independent person, did not use a wheelchair and could take care of himself. I thought about him for days after seeing him. I just could not get the fact out of my mind....someone hit him, and left him. Even now when I say that my throat gets tight, and I get teary eyed.
Months and months have gone by, and in these months, he has been here for various types of therapy. I've watched him transform into his once independent self again. Over the months and months, I have never been able to bring myself to speak with him. Every time I'd try I would end up back in my office secretly crying. Then it got to the point where I would just see him moving about the hallway, and I'd get teary. Last week, I finally spoke to him. I had to deliver something to another department and as I was making my way back to my office, he was standing outside waiting for his ride. I almost froze, but didn't. I approached him and said, "You've done such an amazing job." "I remember when you first came in here and you were in a wheelchair." He replied, "I know." He had a big grin on his face. He said, "Sometimes I can even walk a few steps without my cane." Then he proceeded to show me. This young man has gone from wheelchair, unable to speak more than a few words, unable to do anything for himself, to a young man that is walking, talking, comprehending, and doing a lot on his own. I told him that seeing his great progress is so inspirational and that every time I think of how well he is doing, I makes me very happy. I told him that I know how hard he works and that all his hard work, is certainly paying off. He smiled and said, "Thank you." "I too remember being in a wheelchair, and I didn't think that I would ever walk again." "They do work me very hard, but its worth it..." I told him to have a wonderful rest of the day, and he said, "You have a good day too."
I got into the elevator, pushed the button to get to my floor, got out of the elevator, almost made it to my office, and I started crying. My good friend asked me if everything was ok. I said, "I just saw my patient." She knew who I was talking about. I told her how I talked to him. Her eyes got wide, as she knew how hard this was for me to do in the past. She said, "You've always had a connection with that kid, do you know why that is?" I told her that I wasn't sure what it was, but that every time I saw him, I instantly thought of my son. She told me that it was okay to cry, and I assured her they were happy tears, not the sad ones....