Its Tuesday night. Something in today, struck me wrong today. We are entitled to have bad days..everyone has bad days right? The past few weeks have felt unreal. I feel like I've been having the same dream over and over, and cliche as it may sound...I am waiting to wake up. It feels like I am only an observer, in someone else's life. I haven't had a panic attack in a couple months, but had one today. Maybe I am just feeling, the after effect of it now. I was sitting at my desk, and became suddenly overwhelmed with panic. The ringing that is constantly in my ears, grew louder and louder. I got that all to familiar lump in my throat, and just sat there, waiting to ride it out. At that point there was nothing I could do, but ride it out. I've kind of gotten used to the constant noise that is inside my head. Its always busy, loud, and if I pay attention to it...it is really too much to handle. I miss my husband, and I miss having that one person that I can talk to about anything. I sit here and think, I can't believe that he is really gone, and its only been a few weeks. I don't like this feeling, and sometimes I feel like I can't possibly handle his coming and going, for the rest of his career. I know I must sound really selfish to some, but I can't help it. I can't help the way I feel. I've always been in relationships, where I was treated like crap. I know I had my part in those relationships, and I am positive I had a lot to do with the ups and downs of them. Sometimes it feels so unfair to finally have this person in my life, that I love so much and loves me so much, and treats me so well....yet I only get to spend so much time with him, all of which feels very limited. I don't know how other wives of the military do this. I feel very alone in this all, and don't have anyone that I can relate to. I've never known anyone that had to deal with their spouse constantly coming and going. There is no one to talk to. I want to be able to go out and do things to get my mind off of my husband's absence, but I am only truly distracted when I am at work. I find that when I am at home, I am surrounded by everything, that reminds me of him. The kids and I don't want to stray too much from our normal routine. Its mostly me, and I don't know if its normal to do this, or not. I don't want my husband coming back home, and feeling like we've moved on, without him. I don't know if I am being realistic, or if trying to make this happen is something that's damaging and impossible. The days last forever...and I am always waiting for the day to end, so that I can go to sleep and start another long day. I've had a ton of people tell me that I need to do this, or I need to do that. I know one thing for sure...we all get along in different ways, and what is good for this or that person, may not be good for me. I have to find my own way to cope with this, because I am sure this is not the last time, we will be faced with deployment. Often times, I just want to be alone, or with my kids. I don't feel like going out, I don't really feel like seeing anyone. Getting together for anything social (outside of hanging out with my kids and work) is almost torture for me. Its too difficult to try and pretend. Its too hard to seem happy and present in those situations. I guess this my way of processing this situation. Having to be strong for everyone that I am around, having to be strong for my husband's sake, is so hard. I can only believe that eventually I will get stronger, and I will be able to start enjoying everything I once did before...until then...